I’ve always had a certain affinity for getting in
my own way. While I love, love, love attention to detail (and who doesn’t!), it
is easy for me to get lost with the devil and miss the bigger picture.
Recently, I’ve come to realize that for the past two months I’ve been so caught
up in the particulars of managing my chronically ill life that I was putting the
actual living of my life on hold.
Since my diagnosis of Osteoporosis, I’ve gone to physical
therapy twice a week, have been seeing my therapist once a week, checking in
with my nurse manager, and logging all my meals for the dietitian I’m working
with. I also found myself getting re-involved in all kinds of on-line support groups
and pages for Crohn’s, NF, osteoporosis, and chronic illness. As a professional
patient, I had been clocking some serious unpaid overtime; all in a colossal
effort to get well.
And then there's life: The A/C stopped working, and
we had a fire in our basement (stories for another time.) An organization I
volunteer with alerted me that I needed to set goals for the coming year and
gave me two days to do it. And least I forget, I have my normal
activities of daily living to contend with; shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.;
sometimes I bathe.
Last week, I told my therapist that I felt like I
was becoming increasingly irritated. I told her, “I have too much stuff, too
many appointments, and I keep adding more stuff; I’m in the weeds!”
She reminded me of my power of choice and that my
appointments are for my benefit, nothing about the therapy process should hurt
or cause me angst. It is acceptable (and encouraged) to schedule my
appointments so as to suit me. She also reminded me of the word “no.” What a
great word! It’s one of the first words we learn to say and learn to hate to hear.
So I began the process of questioning where I was
spending my health managing energies and ascertained that I may have been
afraid of doing something wrong or missing out on any little bit of information
that could aid me in my quest for wellness. As I looked deeper, I found places
to make cuts without sacrificing my care.
Physical Therapy is done; I know the exercises and
feel confident I can do them at home. Instead of seeing my therapist once a
week, it’s now every other. I also spent some time on the computer leaving
groups, unfollowing pages, and unsubscribing from newsletters. I weighed the
pros and cons of volunteering and came to the painful decision that I just
don’t have it in me to be committed at the level required so I wrote a letter
of resignation (or as I called it, a
letter of liberation because it actually felt freeing to write it.)
This past week was my first whole week with no
appointments. I spent the extra time in my yard, digging, planting, moving
rocks, and cutting back unruly vegetation. I was able to see the progress I
made and it felt rather good.
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| One of my yard projects |
By taking a step back and pausing to examine my
life I had discovered that when you get past the trees, the forest is a sight
to behold!
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| Forest, trees, or both? What do you see? |
