Resolution Reflections

Proclamation Mania

Here we are a couple weeks into the New Year and every other post in my social media accounts is still a resolution themed ad. Somehow the internet algorithm gods figured I must be in need of some mythical superfood supplements and all THE best kept secrets in fat blasting exercise gadgets. Ah, no.

Next up are those making proclamations to hit the ground running as they resolve to crush their goals of “beating yesterday” and “owning tomorrow.” And last but not least, we have the ‘health coaches’ falling over themselves offering up their “crushing/beating/owning” assistance. It all sounds a little violent, don’t you think?

Yearning for Yesterday

There was a time when this kind of stuff was right up my alley. I lived for diet and exercise and would have been first in line to sign up for the ‘fresh start challenge du jour.’ I spent oodles of time logging my work outs and tracking my weight and body measurements, I even became a certified fitness trainer! All was done in an effort to keep improving, to “beat yesterday” as well as to beat chronic illness. I loved kicking my own ass!

Eventually, my health issues became more and more time consuming and I gradually let my certifications expire and my detailed tracking slide. And anytime I experienced a setback, I counter-attacked with a miracle fix, usually born out of desperation to keep fighting for gains. When a fix ceased to work, I figured I must have done something wrong because lord knows the diet and exercise regimens never took responsibility.

As my health tanked, I continued to exercise but it wasn’t the same. With every ‘what’s the point’ workout I mourned my old self and carried sadness in my heart. Instead of enjoying a two mile walk, I’d be zeroed in on the fact that I used to run six miles in the same amount of time (conveniently forgetting the damage done to my knees and feet.) Never the less, I was resolute in my mission to someday get back to where I was, to “rediscover yesterday.”

Moving On

It took some time (and therapy), but soon enough I realized beating myself up (mentally and physically) was not helping the situation. I let go of dieting, supplements, and the belief I needed a super structured work out regimen. And the best part of it all is I have learned to accept my new and ever changing normal.

I’ve recognized yesterday is not something to beat or yearn for; it’s gone. I am not who I was yesterday and that can be a good thing.

I honor myself where I am at. Whether it be stacking firewood or enjoying a nap, it’s all good.

There is more to me than my physical body; as long as I am happy and comfortable, that should enough.

I can set realistic goals and I don’t need to crush them in order to feel accomplished or adequate.

Accept Yourself 

I don’t believe I can do anything to stop Proclamation Mania from bubbling to the surface every January but I can do my best to ride the wave. And I can make a simple request, if you are considering adding the act of ‘beating yourself’ as part of a health and fitness resolution this year, I challenge you to take a moment to reconsider and add the radical act of ‘accepting yourself’ instead. I think you will find yourself pleasantly surprised.

Picking Battles

Every day offers plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. When I think I have it all figured out, that’s usually when I am at my most wrong.

Your Arms Too Short to Box With God

During a recent appointment with my ophthalmologist, I had an NF related question she couldn’t fully address. When she suggested I make an appointment with the NF specialty clinic, I balked.

“Ugh, I haven’t been there in years! It takes forever to get an appointment and they hardly ever run on schedule.”

She simply smiled and replied, “Well, it is a specialty clinic. Bring a book.”

(OK, let me try something different)

“They tell me my NF is mild and insist on scheduling me with the nurse practitioner. I rarely get to see the neurologist.”

“Kelly, your case is mild. I have patients with NF that are blind.”

(Let me try one more thing)

“Not to mention a whole day will be shot, it’s a two hour round trip, and parking sucks.”

She just gave me a shoulder shrug for that one.

I realized I had said too much and she wasn’t having it. I think I apologized for taking up too much of her time as I was leaving.

Drive Angry

I seethed as I drove home. For starters, I couldn’t bloody see! My eyes were dilated and the sun was blazing making driving a bit sketchy but most of all, I was angry at myself. I had wasted valuable appointment time ranting on about issues my doctor has no control over and didn’t seem interested in listening to. And I apologized!

So I did what any irrational adult would do, I decided to mock my doctor by repeating the words, “Bring a book” in as many annoying voices as I could.

Still Learning

After I had some time to calm down and reflect upon the battle of wits I had with my doctor, I came to some realizations.

Nothing is gained by turning a conversation into an argument. All I had to say in response to her suggestion was, “Thank you, I will consider that.” Why is offering up excuses and explanations such a hard habit to break? Sharing my negative clinic experience served no constructive purpose. If I truly want to take it up with someone, it will be with the clinic coordinator.

Minimalizing how another person experiences life’s curve balls is never cool. I am fully aware my case of NF is mild compared to some. Others have it worse, I get it. But that doesn’t mean my concerns are not valid. Still, I need to remember there will always be someone at the ready to remind me; I have no control over that. I do however, have control over how I react and respond.

I will never again apologize for taking up a doctor’s time; it’s my time as well. They provide services I need and am willing to pay for. I’m not in the habit of scheduling office visits because I’m lonely and feel like a chat.

I don’t have to follow every suggestion a doctor makes. If I went to see a new doctor every time a doctor told me to, I’d never have any kind of life. Sometimes you got to break the chain of referrals. At the moment, my NF isn’t much of a bother. I know my body and I’ll go when and if I feel it would be of benefit. And yes, if I go I will most likely have to wait. I guess I’ll bring a book.

All photos from pixabay

Forgetting and Remembering My “Why”

Lately I’ve been feeling stressed about my writing. Maybe I don’t write often enough. Maybe I don’t share on enough platforms. Should I start tweeting? On top of this self-induced stress, I have been dealing with feelings of pressure to click, like, support, and follow other bloggers and guilt if I don’t subscribe to newsletters and join yet another chronic illness support group. I am overwhelmed by my social media life and I wonder how I let this happen.

The Origins of My Cyber-life

On-line support groups can be a bit of a blessing and a curse. When I was first diagnosed with Crohn’s I became ferociously involved in the virtual world of illness specific chatrooms. I learned plenty from my cyber friends and will always feel an abiding measure of gratitude for their willingness to share and assure me I was not alone. Oh, there were trolls back then and other nefarious types always at the ready to stir the pot but they weren’t the norm and they were quickly stifled. Fast-forward 14 years: The number of places on the internet for help and information has exploded and the dark side of it all has kept pace.

“I’m Tired, Tired of Playing the Game.” Lily Von Shtupp

Jumps to judgment seem to be more prevalent these days. When you are doing well, you want to share and you also can’t sound like a braggart (Do you even have a chronic illness; why are you here?) And when you feel abysmal and want to cry, you don’t want to come across as desperate or hopeless, even if it’s exactly how you feel (Whoa dude, you need professional help!) And heaven forbid you put it all out there only to be minimized or one-upped (That’s nothing; listen to what happened to me!)

I’ve been involved with some stellar groups where cultivating an atmosphere of practical support was their number one priority and I’ve stumbled into just as many that are exhausting. The clinging to pseudo-science “cures” (ah no, essential oils will not cure anything), relentless MLM (AKA pyramid schemes) sales pitches, and typos can be too much to tolerate.

Then there are the unfortunate souls, stuck in the past, unable to move on from old hurts despite receiving the advice and solace they seek. So while it helps to know I’m not alone in my chronic illness struggles, now that I know I’m not alone, do I really need to stay engaged with people rehashing ancient miseries or shilling for a MLM? I think not.

I’m Chronically Ill, Not a Pawn

Join one group or write one story and the rest of social media beats down your door looking for a piece of the action. My news feeds are non-stop full of ads; groups to join, pages to like, and sketchy products to buy. I receive email alerts, pings, and notifications all too often. If you like my page, I’ll like yours. Visitors to your page haven’t heard from you for a while, write a story! Others in your group are sharing, why not join in? Come see what you are missing! You have unread notifications. Ugh!

I highly doubt some poor someone has been checking my profile, searching for new content, and has sounded an alarm out of concern for my well-being. Nope! Cleverly designed algorithms prompt me to get involved and share. Website growth and strength depends on the generating of clicks. The more members they have, the more clicks they get, the more sponsors they can get, and that’s brings us to the real boss, money! Well I’ve had enough; I’ll share when I want to and with who I want to! And there it is.

I’ll Share When I Want to

As I was working through this piece, I recalled a similar grappling session from last year. I re-read that post in hopes of rediscovering my “Why.” Why did I start a blog? (the-process-is-the-goal) Re-reading my words of wisdom helped to ground me and bring everything back into focus.

I write because it helps me to sort my life.

I write because it soothes me.

I’m not creating a brand.

I’m not looking for fans.

If my words help another, I’m humbled.

It’s none of my business what others think of me.

So I will write when the mood hits me and bid a fond farewell to many of my on-line support groups and take a sabbatical from the few I will stay in. Social media will not go dark because I decided to leave a few groups, unfollow a few pages, and click a little less. I however, will shine on.

All photos from Pixabay