Radical
acceptance means looking at yourself and the situation and seeing it as it is,
accepting it completely and without judgement.
Happy
Anniversary Sweetheart
My husband and I recently hit the 20 years
of marriage mark. It has never been our practice to make a big deal of
celebrating and to be honest, we have each taken a turn at forgetting about it.
But because this was a ‘milestone’ anniversary, we contemplated doing something
special. A brain storming session led us to decide on a weekend in NYC. We’d
take the train, stay in Times Square, maybe see a show, have a nice dinner, you
know the works.
As our departure day approached, the East Coast
was bracing it’s self for a serious winter storm with high winds and bone
chilling temps. Thoughts of canceling our plans entered our heads and were
dismissed just as quickly. We knew weather could be a factor but we had visited
the Big Apple in the throes of winter before, we felt confident we could handle
ourselves.
When
It’s Snowing, Let It Snow
Thursday morning, we watched the snow pile up and felt
the temperature drop. The wind was fierce! Tension mounted as we played a game
of ‘should we go or shouldn’t we?’ We worked on clearing the driveway but the
wind blew back most of the snow we had removed. Still, my husband was able drive
me to and from a doctor’s appointment without incident (information we used to
solidify the case for keeping our plans.)
Later in the day, reality kicked in when we
ventured out for a last minute errand. It had gotten so cold, the wind
was still whipping, and our tires were spinning as we attempted to climb our hill
of a drive way. Canceling was back on the table.
Cue
Self-Destruction
We were looking forward to the time away but our
excitement and anticipation had become tainted by everything that could go
wrong. What was to be a relaxing weekend of celebration had morphed into a
frustrating and super stressful mess!
What
if we can’t get out of our development? What if we miss our train? Will the
trains be running on time? Will we even be able to walk around Times Square
without getting frostbite? Would we lose money if we cancel?
A year or two ago I might (most definitely would) have
had a meltdown. “Argh, my anniversary is ruined! This sucks! I can’t believe we
lost money! Why the hell did we get married in January? And while we’re at it,
why the hell did we get married?!”
Where
Am I?
Instead of reacting in anger, I took a moment to
refocus. It was not worth my time to continue agonizing and suffering over past
decisions and a mythical chain of future events. This time I asked myself, “What
can I do now, in this moment?”
I decided to call the hotel and ask if they might
waive or lessen their cancellation fee. Surely we cannot be the only people
whose travel plans have been stymied by a storm. The hotel staff person I spoke
with informed me they do not charge their cancellation fee when the reason is
weather related. “Are you sure you want to cancel this reservation?” “Yes, oh
god yes!”
My husband had purchased the tickets a few months
ago, he wasn’t sure if we would lose money or not. We decided our safety and
sanity was worth as much. Good fortune struck again, he was able to cancel the
tickets and received an e-voucher we can put toward future train travel.
Creating
Opportunity
By radically accepting our situation my husband
and I created an opportunity to respond in a new and less painful way. We
decided to cancel our trip and were willing to lose some cash if need be. We
let go of what we thought a 20th anniversary celebration should be.
As a result, our snowbound weekend was wonderful. We built a fire, drank a
toast, and counted our blessings. I don’t think we could have planned anything finer.
 |
| The weather outside was frightful |
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| Here's to us! |
Author's note:
At first glance, this post may seem to be a
departure from my usual writings about my struggles with chronic illness -I thought she wrote about Crohn’s? This has
nothing to do with Crohn’s! but life often takes some unexpected twists. It
was chronic illness that led me to depression, prompting me to seek out a
therapist, who introduced me to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and the
concept of Radical Acceptance. As I’ve been working on radically accepting my adventures
with chronic illness, I can’t help but watch radical acceptance spill over into
other areas of my life and it has been wonderful.
