February Reflections

Proclamation Nation

As I checked my phone on the morning of January 1^st, I noticed the hashtag #NewYearNewMe had made its rounds on the social media circuit. For an Insta-minute, my feeds were over-run by accounts of people making proclamations to crush their goals of “beating yesterday” and “owning tomorrow.” Others were falling over themselves in hopes of becoming the next great influencer offering up their “beating/owning/crushing” assistance. I smiled, quietly wished everyone well, and kept on scrolling.

Yearning for Yesterday

There was a time when this kind of stuff was right up my alley. I lived for diet and exercise and would have been first in line to sign up for the ‘fresh start challenge du jour.’ I spent oodles of time logging my work outs and tracking my weight and body measurements, I even became a certified fitness trainer! All was done in an effort to keep improving, to “beat yesterday.” Maybe even to pretend I was healthy? And anytime I had a setback, I must have done something wrong; I would be fairly hard on myself.

Over the years, my health issues became more and more time consuming and I gradually let my certifications expire and my detailed tracking slide. Even though I continued to exercise, I mourned my old self and carried sadness in my heart. I resolved to someday get back to where I was, to “rediscover yesterday.”

Talk about a set up for failure! On days I felt like crap not much got done. Let’s be honest, NOTHING got done. And I would be pissed! Ironically, good days were not much better because I didn’t want to ruin feeling good. It was a lot of self-imposed pressure. Let me tell you, this is a paralyzing way to live life.

New Year, Still Here!

This New Year (that isn’t so new anymore) I’ve taken my own advice and spent some time reflecting, appreciating, and preparing (winter magic)

>I’ve recognized Yesterday is not something to beat or yearn for. I am not who I was yesterday and that can be a good thing.

>I can set goals but I don’t need to crush them in order to feel accomplished or adequate. 

>I appreciate there will be days when I feel fabulous and can go out into the world and accomplish momentous things. I don’t have to be afraid and can savor feeling wonderful for as long as it lasts. 

>I also accept there will be other days when the best I can do is to keep breathing and know this too shall pass.

“Right here, right now, there is no other place I want to be.” –Jesus Jones

Radically Accepting Life As It Is

Radical acceptance means looking at yourself and the situation and seeing it as it is, accepting it completely and without judgement.

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart

My husband and I recently hit the 20 years of marriage mark. It has never been our practice to make a big deal of celebrating and to be honest, we have each taken a turn at forgetting about it. But because this was a ‘milestone’ anniversary, we contemplated doing something special. A brain storming session led us to decide on a weekend in NYC. We’d take the train, stay in Times Square, maybe see a show, have a nice dinner, you know the works.

As our departure day approached, the East Coast was bracing it’s self for a serious winter storm with high winds and bone chilling temps. Thoughts of canceling our plans entered our heads and were dismissed just as quickly. We knew weather could be a factor but we had visited the Big Apple in the throes of winter before, we felt confident we could handle ourselves.

When It’s Snowing, Let It Snow

Thursday morning, we watched the snow pile up and felt the temperature drop. The wind was fierce! Tension mounted as we played a game of ‘should we go or shouldn’t we?’ We worked on clearing the driveway but the wind blew back most of the snow we had removed. Still, my husband was able drive me to and from a doctor’s appointment without incident (information we used to solidify the case for keeping our plans.)

Later in the day, reality kicked in when we ventured out for a last minute errand. It had gotten so cold, the wind was still whipping, and our tires were spinning as we attempted to climb our hill of a drive way. Canceling was back on the table.

Cue Self-Destruction

We were looking forward to the time away but our excitement and anticipation had become tainted by everything that could go wrong. What was to be a relaxing weekend of celebration had morphed into a frustrating and super stressful mess!

What if we can’t get out of our development? What if we miss our train? Will the trains be running on time? Will we even be able to walk around Times Square without getting frostbite? Would we lose money if we cancel?

A year or two ago I might (most definitely would) have had a meltdown. “Argh, my anniversary is ruined! This sucks! I can’t believe we lost money! Why the hell did we get married in January? And while we’re at it, why the hell did we get married?!”

Where Am I?

Instead of reacting in anger, I took a moment to refocus. It was not worth my time to continue agonizing and suffering over past decisions and a mythical chain of future events. This time I asked myself, “What can I do now, in this moment?”

I decided to call the hotel and ask if they might waive or lessen their cancellation fee. Surely we cannot be the only people whose travel plans have been stymied by a storm. The hotel staff person I spoke with informed me they do not charge their cancellation fee when the reason is weather related. “Are you sure you want to cancel this reservation?” “Yes, oh god yes!”

My husband had purchased the tickets a few months ago, he wasn’t sure if we would lose money or not. We decided our safety and sanity was worth as much. Good fortune struck again, he was able to cancel the tickets and received an e-voucher we can put toward future train travel.

Creating Opportunity

By radically accepting our situation my husband and I created an opportunity to respond in a new and less painful way. We decided to cancel our trip and were willing to lose some cash if need be. We let go of what we thought a 20^th anniversary celebration should be. As a result, our snowbound weekend was wonderful. We built a fire, drank a toast, and counted our blessings. I don’t think we could have planned anything finer.

The weather outside was frightful

Here's to us!

Author's note:

At first glance, this post may seem to be a departure from my usual writings about my struggles with chronic illness -I thought she wrote about Crohn’s? This has nothing to do with Crohn’s! but life often takes some unexpected twists. It was chronic illness that led me to depression, prompting me to seek out a therapist, who introduced me to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and the concept of Radical Acceptance. As I’ve been working on radically accepting my adventures with chronic illness, I can’t help but watch radical acceptance spill over into other areas of my life and it has been wonderful.